Written for Trianne, who is talented, beautiful, generous -- and comes up with better ideas than I can. Adult

Five Things Gandalf never warned Frodo about
by Laura Mason

 

1. Samwise can cling like a burr. Frodo was there when Gandalf discovered Sam spying on them, but there were evidently some long, private conversations involving dire threats. Though he's over 50 years old, Frodo often feels like a child when Sam buttons his vest for him, brings him food, reminds him to drink or tells him to go to sleep.

He's never alone. He'd like to sit up at the fire when Aragorn takes the watch, but Sam wakes up if he tries to move. Frodo can't even watch the man from his bedroll, eyes half closed, and have a quiet wank for fear Sam will be awake and handing him a clean handkerchief when he's finished.

 

2. Dwarves. Actually, Frodo wishes Bilbo, too, had been a bit more honest about life with Thorin and company. If he'd had even a hint Frodo never would have suggested beans to the Rivendell elves who were preparing their food stores for the journey.

 

3. Moria, and guilt. Frodo spent days studying maps and discussing possible routes. But Gandalf never spoke about the possibility of taking the path through Durin's ancient underground kingdom until that moment in the freezing snow and wind when he "allowed" Frodo to choose their route.

Frodo wonders if Gandalf knew the guilt would turn the death that awaited him in Mordor into a welcome friend?

 

4. Galadriel. Oh, Frodo knew all about hobbit women, from mothering types like the Widow Rumble to flirtatious lasses like Celandine Brandybuck. He knew how to hang his head and look up through his lashes until the crabbiest matriarch pinched his cheek and gave him a cookie instead of a tongue-lashing; how to spin a girl until she squealed with breathless laughter during the Spring Ringle; and even how to take a willing girl out to the hayloft and get her skirts pushed up and her pussy soaking wet before she sobered up from the elderberry wine. Elf women were different, but in those big white beds height didn't matter and a tongue applied just there was still enthusiastically welcomed.

But in Lothlorien, he met a woman he couldn't charm or seduce. Frodo never understood why Gandalf thought there would be any help for them in the woodland realm of the ancient, cold, too-powerful and far-too-tempted White Lady.

 

5. Joy sharp as pain. Frodo first feels it when he wakes from the destruction of Mt. Doom to find Gandalf and all his friends alive. But weariness and guilt wear on him, so he doesn't remember how it feels until he first sets foot on the shores of healing and forgetfulness. Now Frodo stares at the Sea though he cannot recall what lies beyond.

 

 

Back to the LotR page