This snippet happened when I took the el home one cold winter night. Slash implied, so adults only please.

Cold Plastic by Laura Mason

"Eeeuh! Look at this, plastic seats! This is why people of taste do not ride public transportation. Just look at these colors!"

"I agree that it is not as aesthetically pleasing as your car, Ray, but since the Riviera is in the evidence lockup, and likely to stay there until the investigation concludes..."

"Shh, Benny! Oh, jeeze, that lady moved to another seat. Did you have to make it sound like we're criminals?"

"I did nothing of the sort, Ray."

"Yeah, and that guy is giving us dirty looks 'cause we took his favorite seat."

"Certainly anyone riding in this car can tell from my uniform and your own attire that we are not criminals."

"Benny, you look like a Scout leader in that brown thing, not a Mountie."

"There is absolutely no truth to that, Ray. As I was about to say before you interrupted me..."

"Before you made me feared and reviled."

"It is certainly convenient to have another mode of transportation while the Buick is out of commission."

"Someone could have driven us home, Benny. One of the black and whites..."

"But they couldn't give us this panoramic view of your city, Ray. Oh, look, the chocolate factory. It's truly a shame that so much manufacturing has left this area due to the high cost of raw materials and transportation. Still, this company has a proud Chicago tradition... oh, can you smell the chocolate now, Ray?"

"Yeah, I smell it. Like brownies cooking."

"It appears from the map that there is a stop named Pulaski Road. No doubt named for Casimir Pulaski, hero of the American Revolution also known as the father of the American cavalry, who gave his life..."

"Benny, people are staring again. Nobody goes sightseeing on the el, and nobody cares who a street is named after."

"If they don't care, why name the street? Chicago could have all numbered streets, but they chose to remember General Pulaski. 'I came here, where freedom is being defended, to serve it, and to live or die for it.'"

"Jeeze, those people moved to another car now. Benny, if you keep this up we'll be alone in here."

"Of course, there were many other Revolutionary freedom fighters who came from abroad, but did you know that Benjamin Franklin, while ambassador to France, wrote Pulaski's recommendation letter?"

"Fine, you did it. They've all moved. We're the only ones in this car now, Benny. Go ahead and tell me about the Revolutionary War."

"If you'd really like, Ray, though I probably know more about Canada's participation in the War of 1812. Oh, look, if you stand right now, you can see the lights at Wrigley Field."

"We're nowhere near Wrigley, Benny, that's probably a Car Max. And I don't want to stand. I just got this seat warmed up."

"Are you still uncomfortable, Ray?"

"These seats are cold and hard, of course I'm uncomfortable."

"Perhaps I could assist you, now that we are, indeed, alone in this car."

"Benny! What are you..."

"My lap is warm and softer than the seats, Ray."

"But..."

"I want to thank you for pointing out that the el, unlike the Metra trains, no longer employs conductors."

"Yeah, that was one embarrassing ride, but... still... but... oh, yeah, ohhhhhh...."

"Massage is known to increase circulation."

"Mmmm hmmm."

"And sharing body... heat... is wise."

"Oh God yeah, just like that Benny!"

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"Warmer, Ray?"

"Mmm."

"Comfortable?"

"You bet. Warm Mountie beats cold plastic every day."

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Yes, .^.^.^ is the universal symbol for train noise without dialog. And no, this isn't part of a series called "sex on the move." However, if anyone feels inspired to write the story of the boys' Metra ride, feel free!